To begin, I'd like to thank everyone who's supported the blog thus far. I'd love to see some more comments, but the feedback is much appreciated. I've been busy but my goal is to update each week with (3) seperate topics- Why We Fight, Nerd Bling and some random, likely soap opera, related update. I'm looking at writing about weightlifting sometime, but I'm trying to figure out what to say that hasn't been said.
Ambition is a double edged sword- on one hand it is utterly commendable and admirable, but on the other hand, it's something that can lead us to be so focused, so driven that while we're going full speed ahead onto the path we've chosen, the path we believe to be our destiny (for lack of a better term), we miss out on everything else around us. But that's what commitment is, to a degree, isn't it? The absolute devotion to a goal and sacrificing what we must to achieve that goal. Anything less would require us to be distracted by that around us and waver from that mountain we must climb to reach our goal. The thing is, with ambition, you never reach the top of the mountatin, you just take a break, look up and realize that the mountain is far more steep and the top is far higher up than you ever imagined. Everytime you think you see the peak of the mountain you are then forced to realize that you're still in the valley. But without ambition, without the drive to go further, one will never see past the base of the mountain and never suffer the trials that one must experience to become the person they have always been. Without pain, without the loss, our ideals would never be challenged and without that defiance to our way of life, we would never gain the resolve or perseverance to keep climbing.
Life's a Catch-22, from start to finish.
This has all come to mind because of my recent career, uh, "u-turn" has left me wondering if my ambition and enthusiasm for my ideals are the source of my anger and I'm also wondering if I've turned a blind eye to what I do have in my life.
And now it is time for the obligatory "cool" picture from
Angel.
We now return to our regularly scheduled whining.
My goal, though seemingly cliched, is to do good and leave this world a better place than when I got here. This doesn't mean I'm a hero or a good guy, it simply means that the sum of my desires is to fight for what's right in this world. I've been blessed with the best friend I could ask for- my dear friend Jamie Au- and some other amazing people in my life. I have a family that loves me and supports me. I simply want to do what I can to protect those that are close to me, and all those in this world that wish not ill on their fellow human being, so that as I take my final breath, I'll know that I did good. Without getting into my philosopical and spiritual beliefs, that's the easiest way to explain it all. The whims of flesh and folly are meant for those other than myself.
Now I'm left with a void in terms of how to achieve these goals. All around me I see the compromising of ideals, the line in the sand slowly being moved till it blurs with that of the sea of and the constant graying of the world. Is this reality or is this the reality people have created through accepting the idea that compromise is ok? The mountain climb to victory is hard but I do believe that when we are about to close our eyes for the final time, we'll see the top of the mountain at that moment, as the snowy white peak fades to black and all is quiet. But no matter how hard I try to position myself to do all I know I can, I feel as though the world is fighting hard to not let me be the man I know I can be and do the good I know needs to be done. It just doesn't make sense and it leads me to wonder what I'm missing to finally see the true path I'm meant to walk.
The thought has occurred to me to attempt to simply move myself up the corporate ladder into a place where money and power offer me the opportunity to comfort those I love in ways I simply cannot do at this point. While the assistance may only be monetary, there is a certain charm to the idea that one can simply take cares of a friend's financial troubles with a simple phone call or help someone achieve a dream with a word or two into the right ears. That one's name may open doors to paths that never existed... if one forgets that the corporate machine serves no one but itself. To allow oneself to be in the business of doing business necessitates a broader world view and to look above "ground level" issues that need bandaging. If I were to become a cog in the machine, no matter my intentions, would those moments of kindness to those I love be enough to satisfy my desires? Would my daily routine do any good to those around me or would I lose out on a chance to affect lives positively?
Now I do believe that we can all make a difference at any given moment. In the corporate world, being a good boss can give someone a chance to provide for their family and to enjoy their 9-5, as well as foster a postive climate that may offer co-workers a new perspective on what it means to be part of a team. Those positive effects are immeasurable. The problem is that in the back of my mind, I feel as though
I, and this isn't a judgement on the merits of anyone else's ambitions, need to be fighting the good fight with every moment and I have a very specific view of how to do it. From the military to the police to the fire department, my aspirations involve very hands on and competitive fields, areas that are also hindered by a lack of funding from government sources. I've narrowed my path down to these jobs and I can't imagine myself taking another direction, which may mean I'm blinding myself to other opportunities or not letting myself truly embrace the value of other opportunities. It's just that the aforementioned areas feel
so right, as far as I can tell from my brief forays or research into those fields and when something feels that right, it's hard to let it go. I'd call it love. Maybe it's just delusion. Still, I do believe that I can make the maximum contribution in those ares and I'm fighting to make it to where I want to be.
But what am I losing sight of in the process?
In preparing for what I'd hoped would be a military career, now not a possibility due to bureaucratic BS, I had to deal with a lot and in particular, prepare myself for my own death. It's a concept I've faced before for various reasons, but this time I felt no fear or remorse if my life were to end. This isn't to say I wished an end, but that there'd be no inner anger if confronted with such a situation. I also began to realize what made me happy and how much I spent time & money on things in my life that didn't contribute to true happiness, but rather acted as a form of temporary therapy that only made the pain worse when it wore off. Much like a drug, money and materialism infect us from the inside out and are never quite as good as the first time.
I also realized that in order to achieve my goals, to fight that never ending battle, the concept of a relationship needed to be discarded or at least, put on the side. Now I know lots of people can balance their altruism with their love life, but I personally have put my goals at the top of my priority list and that means anyone else in my life has to take second place, not a distant second mind you, but second place nonetheless. I don't think it's fair to ever ask anyone to commit to you but to not be able to put them at the top of your priority list- it'd take an exceptional person to not only accept, but also embrace that kind of life and I won't pretend it constitutes any girl's dream. I remember looking in the eyes of someone I care for very dearly and explaining that, "I've got no reason to stay here" (sic) and wondering if I believed that or if I just needed her to believe that. It's hard to have such strong affection for someone, so much so that sometimes it overpowers you, and know you have to keep the mission in the front of your mind & at the root of all your actions. Breaking hearts does no one any good.
I'm not sure that relationships are all I've chosen to put to the wayside, but I can say that I'm looking at life with new eyes as I must reconsider the path I must walk. I do have goals but I'm only human and I need to make sure I have a safety net to support me when I fall. The mission will always be there- it's a never ending battle after all- and I'll always want to fight it, but my ability to fight it will be diminished if I continually fall with no one to catch me or worse, no one to care. In failing at my current attempts to serve my ideals, I've found that many things I've tabooed in my own mind- relationships, the follies of flesh, comic books, film, television- have come to give me the strength to stand back up again.
That all raises the question- is it possible for me to fight the fight by sometimes stepping away to catch my breath? And if so, what constitutes an acceptable breather from the war? It is said that evil only happens when good men do nothing, but perhaps seeking comfort with another, whether a person or circumstance, isn't really the "nothing" I imagined.
COMING SOON
- My "
AMC" article
- More Comic Book Goodness
- Anticipation for "
The Shield" Season 4
- An "
Angel" retrospective
Now this is truly scary. I have friends in England who shake their head every time this is reported, but at least in North America our nerds have the deceny to only reveal themselves in comic stores and conventions. They may dress funny, but they don't scale buildings... yet. Though anyone who has been to the Comic-Con International in San Diego will attest to the fact that perhaps if some of these fans showered, they wouldn't have to hide and frankly, the UK comic conventions smell much better. So let's all hail the Queen, eh?
