Due to popular demand, I'm back with another installment of "Why We Fight." I do plan to deal with less weighty posts soon- such as
AMC and
Angel articles- but for now I'll go with what you all seem to want. As I mentioned last time, my job is my priority- save my best friend Jamie- and some don't quite understand my train of thought.
Back in 2001, when I was sitting in the fire hall and learning about it all to prepare for the test, I remember Chief Joel McColl telling us about the sacrifice that we'd have to make as firefighters- provided we passed the test of course- and it was a story that I've heard related to me in varying terms from many people in the public service sector. Joel talked about how he'd often be heading home for a special evening with his wife, have the flowers laying on the passenger seat and be ready to romance the love of his life... only to get "the" call. Now Joel would never know if "the" call was something big or small, but to him it was
the call because it came from his brothers & sisters in the FD. So he'd turn around and head to the station without a single doubt crossing his mind because he knew his job was to save lives. He recognized that his calling, his duty to others was not something dependant on his schedule- Joel knew that he was in service to others and had to be there whenever he was needed.
As this story was explained to all of us in the room, Joel basically explained that if you're the kind of guy who'd go home to his wife or have any doubt in his mind, it didn't make you a bad guy, but it might just mean you weren't willing to make the sacrifices necessary to be a firefighter. I can't remember if he said it in so many words, but that was the message communicated. The impression I received was that you had to put your sworn duty above all else. Period. It wasn't a judgement on those unwilling to make the sacrifice- just honesty about what the job required.
That's who I am. That is what I believe in. That is how I operate.
I'm not going to ever say that I think that I'm some great guy or some hero. I'm just a regular guy who's trying to do the right thing, except that doing good for others is my priority with my life. From the moment I wake up, my brain is thinking of ways that I can give back to a world that has given so much to me- it's what I think about when I
don't go and party with all my friends, though perhaps I should be doing so. I care about everyone on this planet- people are my priority, though I have little time for individuals, if that makes sense. I can't afford too many deep ties to distract me from my mission.
And fighting that mission makes me happy beyond words. Closing down a white collar crime ring or exposing fraud from those within the company is an amazing feeling. I've felt how good it feels to fight the never-ending-battle on a small scale and I crave the chance to do it on a larger scale. It is the sum of my ambitions, so much so that everyone (almost) becomes a secondary concern, at least when it comes to personal relations.
And who wants to play second fiddle?
That, above all else, is why I've never had a long term relationship and why I'm never likely to be married, in addition to my other failings and general disinterest in marriage combined with an intense desire to never have childen. I can blame my lack of relationship success on a lot of factors, but that fact is I've never wanted it bad enough to sacrifice the steps I'm taking towards being better at giving back. I don't want there to ever be a day where I need to be just a little faster, just a little quicker, just a little tougher, just a little smarter or just a little anything more in order to protect someone. Anyone. I want to know that I'm pushing my limits everyday to be everything I can for this world.
Does that mean I'll never be in love? No. But it does mean I understand that my own ambition will always drive a wedge between myself and someone else when I attempt to be closer than just friends. I don't expect anyone to ever want to be second best and I don't blame them for not wanting to be with me if it's because I can't put them first. We all want to be loved completely and entirely by the person we commit to and promise to cherish. That's not unreasonable at all.
Perhaps this all sounds utterly pretentious or you're in the public service sector & find yourself happily married. I'm not saying it can't work. I'm not saying that those who've made it work fight the fight any less hard than I do and will continue to do. I'm saying that I know that for myself personally, I'm in love with the war against injustice and that love comes first for me. I know that I'd break the heart of any girl who wanted to be with me because every time that they thought things were "improving," I'd go and blow off an important date to rescue a kitten or arrest someone speeding.
That's who I am.
This has been on my mind of late not only because of people in my everyday life asking me about my dating status, but also because in looking at careers I've had to weigh all the benefits- and downsides- of not only the avenues I pursue, but the ways in which I grab ahold of my dreams. I know that I may never fall in love with my current mindset. I know that I may never find someone who can put up with the, uh, "intensity" of my amibiton and any vices I have in spades.
But I do know that I accept this and will continue to fight for what's right till the day I die. And then in the next life, keep doing it again and hope that one of these lives, I'll be with whomever I'm meant to be with and that I'll be a good enough soul to be worthy of her affection.
