Why We Fight (Part 4)

This "aspect" of my blog seems to have resonated the most with those reading, so I'll try to make this the section updated most often, though expect to see a few articles on ABC Daytime's All My Children as I feel the show is hitting a high point right now and is a real fun ride. As I've begun to read fewer and fewer comic books, you'll see less articles from me on the subject as anything I want to write about comics will be mostly positive, unless there's an issue with a negative angle that I want to explore.

Back to the topic at hand, I'm once again pondering what it means to blindly embrace an unrealistic dream versus the idea of not following a dream far enough. Simply put, I want to do "the right thing" and that's something, as I've said before, I believe can be done through a number of means and methods, by everyone, at any given moment. You never know when not holding that door open for someone will be the final straw or when smiling at someone will make their day. I think one of the things we all must do before following a dream is examining the pragmatism of that dream, especially in relation to one's own abilities and one's own ability to grow in certain directions. For example, if you're missing an arm, don't expect to make it big in the NBA. I'm sure there's some way someone could do it, but we're talking an astronomical long shot here. I'm all about enthusiasm for something in life- god knows I get frustrated when people over the 18 can't even name a "dream" job, even if it's just something as simple as food tester. I honestly don't believe that a high school graduate has no idea of something that they just might want to do in life. To me, it's simple: if you want something in life or have a hobby that makes you happy, there's some job you can imagine that you'd like to do. And that's what you should do.

Getting back to me- which is what you're here for, right?- this is all in my mind after the military didn't work out. Now that was my dream of dreams, my ultimate fantasy job and I aced the tests. I'm friggin Captain America compared to 99% of recruits. For example, they average 40/99 on the ASVAB. I scored 98/99. Same deal with the physical test. Now we all know that there was bureaucratic bullshit keeping me from getting in, but I had an entirely realistic mindset about what I wanted to do and I never expected to get rich out of being a NAVY boy. I just wanted to fight for what I believe in and I'm not getting into the whole political debate surrounding American presence in Iraq. I have my own philosophy- my countrymen need help in their fight. I want to help them. If that advances Bush's agenda, that's fine, and if that's noble, that's fine too. I don't care about the external politics, the perceptions of those outside of me when it comes to these kinds of decisions. I need to be happy with who I am and need to do what I feel is right. So the military was my dream and it's now lost to me forever. The one dream I held onto when I was sad and lonely, the one secret I dared not speak lest others not understand it and the one backup plan I had in case nothing else worked. This was what I wanted to do. For the rest of my life. Come what may, for better or worse, I will always still wish I had gone to boot camp this summer. I'll always wish I'd been able to get my dog tags and risk my life in Iraq. Always.

The upside to this? There's very little that could happen to make me as angry as when I didn't get that opportunity. I'm pretty calm and laid back regarding everything these days because I lost what mattered to me. It's not that I don't care- I just put it all in a different perspective. It's also helping me to embrace who I am and not be the smiley, chatty guy I often pretend to be- that's not me. It's a necessary facade at times, but I prefer to simply say what needs to be said and focus on the task at hand. This doesn't mean I'll be a jerk to those around me or overtly cold, but I've no grand need to connect with every single person I meet. I'll smile, be kind, be helpful but stay focused on what I'm doing (this is a philosopy I'll explore later in the next installment). I'm a lot more relaxed about things and maybe we'll all find out that in the long run, that peace of mind in terms of dealing with life is something far more important than being able to tie the proper knots or holding onto the soap in a public shower (though I am good at the latter, before you hit the comments with wholly inappropriate gay jokes).

But the military deal is all done now so I have to move on with my next dream- being a cop. It isn't my number one job pick and there are a lot of things about the job- namely the politics of it all- that make me uncomfortable, but I do believe I could throw myself into it. But by the time I can apply- 2 years from now, for a few reasons- I'll be in my late 20's and that'll already put me at a disadvantage compared to candidates under the age of 25. Additionally, the money isn't great- as my friend Arthur reminded me, "People do police work out of love, not a desire to be rich" and he's right. But I do love the jobs they do, from traffic work to forensics to investigations. I absolutely love investigations and putting together the pieces, something, that at the risk of sounding arrogant, I'm very good at doing. I'd love to be a detective at some point and work in homicide, or even be in SWAT. Both are realistic goals, even with no college degree to speak of... yet.

So what's the problem with giving up my current job, you ask?

Sphere of influence. The job I'm at allows me to put bad guys in jail, but in very limited situations and I'm bound by a lot of red tape. The chances for me to do good on a broader scale are limited, though in a non-perp busting way I can do more since I interact with so many people. Then you have a cop who, well, is a freakin cop! The possibilities are endless in terms of ability to fight crime and stop the pieces of shit that plague our society like a cancer. I'd get to deal with the vile scum of this country and put them away in jail. I'd get to show them justice. I can do so much as a cop.

But then we have...

Job security. I can advance in the job I do now and earn $60,000 a year in the next year or two easily and have much better job security than being a cop, where I'll be struggling to earn $40,000 and have to work odd jobs. I can do a lot of good in both jobs. I can make a difference in both jobs. But being a cop carries a lot of risk and choosing that path destroys a lot of opportunities I have at my current employer. Money affords a lot of opportunities, such as financially aiding those you love and those in need, while also relieving the stress of having to worry about any financial problems (in most cases). It also opens doors to certain areas of influence where permanent change can be made. If I fail as an officer of the law, it'll leave me over 30 and starting over again, to a certain degree. I'm in a job field in which you need to be at the right place at the right time and I've positioned myself very well- being a cop means I have to do that maneuvering all over again.

There's a good chance that the factors that affected my military dreams could impact me when I apply to be a cop. I have to be realistic about that and realize that I'd be risking a lot to do this job.

Being a cop would put me on the front line- in both good & bad ways- and it would be a total adrenalaine rush. There's no way that I think I'd get sick of the job, unless of course I was in a totally corrupt division, and I'm not worried about the mortality aspect of the job. I'm happy to "move on" if it helps to protect someone else's life. I've got no real regrets, though I still know I could have lived my life much better than I have for the greater part of my life. I look at the job of being a police officer and I know that it's the right job for me (besides the military). I know that it'd allow me to achieve everything I want from life, from being a part of something bigger to satisfying my machismo to doing good. But what if it turns out that I get lost in the shades of gray and become twisted into someone else? What if in brightest day and blackest night, evil not only escapes my sight but becomes what I think is right? I'm a stubborn guy with set beliefs- how long before I end up on the wrong track and don't realize it till I collide with something bigger?

And perhaps that makes it a scary prospect to pursue because I want it so bad that I'm scared of it not working out. Perhaps.

And if that's my problem, then I oughta slap myself in the face and keep moving forward, because the test of a real man is if you're able to get up every time you're knocked down, not if you're able to smile when you reach the top of the mountain.

I'm also looking at other jobs I'd be cool with, from Investigator for the D.A to being a Private Investigator, so I can keep my options open. Money will always be an issue and I have to realize that perhaps to stay afloat financially, I might need to be at a less than optimum job.

But here's the question: am I being true to myself if I do that? If I know there's a "#1 job" out there for me and I don't embrace it, is that being true to myself because I'm doing "all I can realistically" or is it running away from who I am because I'm afraid of failure? I want to be a cop. Right now, the only other job I can think of doing for the rest of my life is being a firefighter, though the whole "sphere of influence" thing comes to mind again. I do like the idea of doing a job where you simply save people without judgment... but something calls out to me to kick some criminal ass. Maybe I'll find that I can't survive on police pay- for whatever reason- and I'll have to go the corporate route, which while reasonable, isn't who I am. It isn't what I'm about- not a judgement on the merits of big business, just where I fit in. Shouldn't I be willing to sacrifice some of the comforts of life to be what I want to be and make a difference? I can only move the line of acceptable job compromises so far before I look back and I can't see where I drew the first line. I don't have an answer as to when that happens but I don't want to look back at all- I want to be able to keep looking forward because I've embraced a life that takes me beyond my mortal coils and turns me into a force to embrace my ideals 24/7.

That's all the whining (healthy whining I'd say) I'll do about job prospects for the next little while. I think I've really covered all the bases when it comes to my internal debate and one thing is clear to me- I'm lucky to actually have real options in my life and a choice of liveable opportunities. A lot of people aren't afforded that luxury and I am grateful for what I have.

Some of you may wonder why jobs seem so important to me and I never talk about relationships, love, family or any of that. I'll write a "Why We Fight" about that soon- likely my next installment- but the fact is, I've never wanted to married, never wanted children and never felt a need to be close to people like that. I have people in my life I love- friends & family- and they give me all I need to fight my battles. It'd be nice to have a "someone" to lean on, but if that's why I want someone, it's not quite love as much as needing a crutch. My dreams are my priority- they always have been in retrospect, even when I did actively date- and I don't expect anyone to put up with being a second class citizen to someone who is supposed to love them. I don't want to be alone, but if I must walk my path by myself, that's ok- I have to fulfill that which I desire and I'd rather be honest about my priorities than string someone along when I'll leave them to chase my dreams at a moment's notice. I'm not saying I'm a hero or some great guy. I'm just a regular person trying to give back to a world that has given me a lot to love.

So maybe I am a bastard after all. ;)

Stay tuned for my "All My Children" articles and retrsopective on the 5th season of "Angel," which I feel epitomized why the show is so unlike anything on television.