Why We Fight (Part 6)

After some self-indulgent promotion, we come back to... more stuff about me! It's a big surprise, I know, and I'll actually get around to writing about other subjects soon. I was actually not sure what to write about at first till I spoke with my friend Mike Carey (who you all may know from DC Comics/Vertigo's Lucifer comic book) and he said this:

"Reading between the lines of your WHY WE FIGHT pieces, I'm detecting a mood that's, kind of, a little more tranquil and accepting than I've known you to be in recent months. I don't know if that's the right way of putting it, but you seem to have thought through a lot of big issues and come to an acceptance of what you are and what you want to be - which is great."

And he's right of course- those Brits always are right, at least when it comes to comic books or comic book fans. That inspired me to write about anger and the burning anger I have inside of me. Now I'm not saying I'm an actively angry person, but I am full of a lot of dissatisfaction with the world and myself, though I do realize I can only change what I can affect. I only concern myself with those aspects of the world or myself that are malleable, that I can shape into the change I wish to see.

In particular, I'm still very angry about the NAVY and not getting into the armed services. I truly do believe that I'd best serve the world by being there to help my countrymen and, politics aside, fight the forces of evil that are there (or anywhere else in the world). There isn't a moment that goes by where I don't wish I was there and where I don't long to find some loophole to get myself in the NAVY. Being denied that service to my country- and the world- has destroyed a part of me that I'll never get back and given me an anger that will never stop burning.

It might just be the best thing that ever happened to me.

As Mike said, I am more accepting about things and my perspective is much healthier... because I lost the one thing (besides those I love) that mattered to me more than life itself. Now everything seems so small and inconsequential, as most things usually are, and I'm a lot cooler with everything. My general response to life is, "It's all good," as I really have nothing to complain about now because none of it really matters to me. I still long for opportunities to do good and make a difference, but I can put it all in perspective. The burning anger inside of me inspires me to move forward; it compels me to fight the boundaries placed upon me; it makes me aspire to greatness.

So often we're told that anger is a negative emotion, one that by its nature should be surpressed, minimized or eliminated. Anger is one of those taboo emotions, one that should never be shown because it implies the angry party lacks self control or gives in easily to base emotions. Anger is equated with violence- physical violence in particular- and as such letting it out could be harmful to those around. Unfortunately, this is a pervasive unfair generalization of a natural human emotion and ignores the source of the emotion and its applications. Anger, like love, can blind us, but that's because it intrinsically propels us towards some direction- it moves us. That's a good thing, isn't it? Being consumed by any one emotion is unhealthy, but I believe anger isn't a bad emotion to be driven by because it implies one seeing a deficiency in the world around them and wanting to make it "right." I'm relating this all to my situation so excuse any obvious logic holes (heck, post comments about them if you'd like) and let me explain. And yes, there are major downsides to anger, but I'll leave those aside for now.



Anger, when stemming from petty situations, such as your favorite sports team losing a game, is sorta silly, I admit that. I don't think it's wrong to feel anger, because you're likely emotionally invested in the outcome of the game (perhaps even financially), but when I see those people who riot in towns or break things in their own homes, I have to shake my head in disbelief. It's a game- nothing more. Get over it. But when someone loses someone they love and they find comfort in the anger, I'm sure it often propels them in directions where they seek to prevent the same convergence of events in the lives of others. That's a clear cut situation where anger acts a positive primary motivator to a path that positively impacts those around them. Let's try another example- let's say that you feel you're being outclassed by your co-workers and you're angry that you seem to be left behind in the results categories. That anger can propel you to work harder to be that much better, achieve your potential or whatever way you'd like to word it, creating an outcome where you are actually better serving whatever team you're a part of at the time. That's something positive too.

Even in fiction we see that anger is an emotion that can benefit us immensely. Look at the story of Batman- young Bruce Wayne is so angered by the murder of his parents that he pushes himself forward to be the best there is so no one suffers as he did. He doesn't exact undue revenge on the evil scum of society nor does he do harm to the innocents. His anger is focused and directed because he understands it for what it is- a facet of his desire and place in the world. In the "classic" Superman stories, a young Clark Kent bemoans the fact that he has "all these powers" and can't save Pa Kent from dying. This helplessness becomes anger which the Man Of Steel molds into a singular vision to help those around them by bringing light into their lives. Anger need not be a burning destructive force as it is born- one merely need learn to tame the flame and use it for one's own purposes. Or in the television show "Angel", the titular character is someone trying to gain redemption for his sins and in his darkest moments, his anger at himself and the injustice in the world allows him to overcome situations that test him. There's a moment in the first season of the show where a character is asked about love and it's explained that love is simply the calm that comes with finding one's place in the world, whether it be with another person or with an ambition. On that same note, I'd contend that anger isn't about hatred and lashing out reactively- it's about not letting one's self deny their place in the world and their power to change the shape of things.

Now in relating this to me and my perspective, I look at the NAVY and the resulting, uh, results as being one of the defining moments in my life. I finally found something that encapsulated all my goals and for once I truly reveled in each moment as though it was my last. "Life, Liberty And The Pursuit Of Those Who Threaten It" were the words on my mind when I woke and when I went back to bed. My every action was motivated by the credo of "Honor, Courage & Commitment." My anger after I couldn't join at first threatened to consume me but I've found I've been able to move it way from the surface and instead use it to fuel what I do. I lift weights with more gusto. I run harder. I'm more meticulous about the white collar crime I investigate for a living. I'm a better person because I know what loss is and I'm able to use the anger to become something greater before. You can argue that I'm motivated by other feelings or beliefs and you'd be right, but the reason I've taken my pursuit of "The Never Ending Battle" to another level is because of anger. I realize how badly I want the things I truly want- IE: my mission- and it's given me the perspective that Mike says he sees in me now.

I'm not going to pretend I have the answers to everything or that I am some insightful person, but I'm using this blog to put my thoughts out there and perhaps through that process, learn more about myself and grow. So please don't take any of that as some random guy propogating "the way" to be or "the way" things are in reality.

I know enough to know I don't know enough.

Coming Soon:
- an "Angel" retrospective, which is taking a lot of time to write
- an explanation of why I've grown to love "All My Children", "The O.C" and other soap operas.